Written by Rachel Lee, ALMFT
You’re sitting at the dinner table with your family whom you’ve been quarantined with for the past eight months. You find yourself feeling restless and craving for some space of your own. Yet, with stay-at-home orders in place, your social interactions outside the home have been limited, stirring a sense of disconnection. You’re confused. What is this difference between loneliness and solitude?
We cannot deny the pandemic has changed the landscape of social interaction and the way we connect with each other. With social distancing and phased regulations in Chicago, we have been challenged to practice flexibility and adapt to working around these unprecedented constraints. Many of you know loved ones who were required to quarantine alone, or grandparents and immunocompromised individuals who were unable to attend even intimate family gatherings. This distancing has arguably accelerated and intensified loneliness throughout the city. Loneliness has long been a part of the human wheel of emotional experience, and yet one misconception must be addressed: the act of being alone does not signify loneliness. Let’s dissect this further.
So what’s the difference?
Loneliness is the state of sadness, pain, emptiness and being or feeling alone in these painful feelings. Often, it is draining in energy, and may cause us to feel unwanted, unloved, and rejected. Loneliness can lead to a feedback loop of negative self talk and feelings of abandonment. You can be surrounded by people and experience loneliness. Loneliness is not chosen.
Solitude is the state of being alone without experiencing loneliness. It is the idea of setting aside personal time and space to reflect and engage with our authentic selves. It restores energy. It is a space where one can grow in self-awareness, access new insights and practice creativity. It is an opportunity to refresh perspective. Solitude is chosen. Sometimes we can choose solitude which can sometimes move us away from being lonely. We can be companions to ourselves.
The major distinction is how you think about being alone. What are the notions you have been raised with around spending time with yourself by yourself? Do you have models of creating solitude, and can you recognize when you need solitude?
How do I recognize when I need alone time?
Recognizing when you need time alone varies for everyone. Several indicators of needing time away and apart from daily hustles and demands of life may be increased patterns of irritability, a sense of restlessness, high stress levels, losing sight of purpose and goals, heightened anxiety, and dullness and fatigue. Times of solitude can allow for a healthier social life by virtue of practicing contentment with spending time alone. It allows you to breathe. To check in with yourself. To reboot. However, this is contingent on intention. How is it that you want to spend your time? Even 15-20 minutes of alone time can refresh your clarity of mind and rejuvenate your body.
How to talk with family about it?
With the ongoing pandemic, many are quarantined with family or roommates. If you are quarantined with family, it may be difficult to find space and time alone. The first piece is to recognize that every family member has different needs and expresses them differently. Having a family conversation on each person’s patterns and needs for alone time can foster a more respectful and understanding environment, honoring each member. Setting boundaries with family members can be a difficult conversation that heavily depends on your cultural context and family customs, and yet it is necessary with the intention of seeking space and uninterrupted time alone. This can prevent resentment among family members. In speaking with children about boundaries, parents can give the child an activity to do with a time frame, and explain when they can knock or call for their caregiver if they need help. Having a conversation with your partner about taking shifts in parenting can also allow for caregivers to regroup independently.
What can I do during solitude?
Practicing solitude may not come easy at first.
1. Be compassionate with yourself in the process and allow yourself to notice your emotions. You may not like spending time alone at first, and that’s okay. With the restrictions of the pandemic, we have been pushed to access our creativity, and it has not been easy.
2. Embrace the present moment. To cultivate a love for solitude, you must embrace the present moment. In therapy, we call this mindfulness. Checking in with your five senses is a mindful way of experiencing your surroundings. Notice something you can see, hear, taste, touch, and smell.
Whether you are practicing solitude inside or outside, try doing something you enjoy that does not require an electronic device. With increasing stimuli and addictive qualities of technology, it can be difficult to connect with yourself while you are glued to the screens.
3. Try doing something you enjoy. It is easier to spend alone time when you enjoy a favorite pastime or childhood hobby that you have not visited in a while. Below are several ways you can try practicing solitude.
Finding solitude at home:
Bake or cook your favorite dish
Sit with a journal and notice what comes to mind. Jot down or draw your thoughts and emotions. What has 2020 taught you? What do you grieve?
Light a candle or the fireplace and observe the flames - how does it sound? Smell? How does the warmth feel? What does the light look like?
Compile a list of people, places, and experiences you are grateful for in the year of 2020.
Sit by the window and observe what you see.
Play dress up
Finding solitude outdoors:
Take a walk in nature if possible. Studies show that walking in nature can lower stress levels.
Go for a drive
Observe the clouds - notice the shapes and color of the sky
Listen for birds and sounds of the city
Take yourself out for coffee. Grab a coffee and sit in the park
Walk into a flower shop and notice the colors, shapes, sizes and smells of the different flowers.
What if I still feel lonely?
It’s ok to feel lonely and also need solitude. If you are struggling with feeling alone in your painful feelings, then reach out to someone with whom you can share your struggles. Seek out a therapist to help you understand those feelings deeper. In these isolating times, we all experience loneliness, but we also may have to take action and reach out for help so we do not spin in a negative downward spiral.
2020 has been a year of challenge and change. With the new year around the corner and a fresh decade, we have weathered through immense transitions and may continue to do so. Some of us may be spending this season with our families. Others of us may not be afforded that privilege. Regardless, times of solitude are essential to a healthy mind, body, and spirit. During this holiday season, I implore you to practice solitude. Set intentional time apart with yourself for yourself. Remember who you are and what your dreams are.