Talking to Your Kids About Death and Dying: A Gentle Guide for Parents from a Therapist
By Anviksha Kalscheur, LMFT, Founder of Introspective Family Wellness
Death is a natural part of the life cycle, yet talking about it with children can feel daunting. As a therapist, I believe one of the most important ways to support children through this topic is to create openness around communication and start by getting clear on your own feelings as a parent.
Children are incredibly perceptive — they will look to you and sense how you feel about death. The more calm and grounded you are, the less frightening and overwhelming the experience may feel for them.
From a developmental and emotional perspective, here are some key things to keep in mind:
Reflect on your family values or spiritual and religious beliefs.
Before speaking with your child, it can be helpful to reflect on your family’s values and spiritual or religious beliefs. What feels important to share? What guiding principles do you want to pass on about life, death, and what comes after? Speaking from a place of clarity, even if that includes not knowing all the answers, helps children feel secure.
Start with your child’s feelings.
Children often don’t understand what death really means. Some may be confused, detached, or unbothered if the loss doesn’t feel immediate. Others may feel deep sadness. Let them know that all feelings — confusion, sadness, anger, even numbness — are okay. There’s no one right way to feel.
Answer questions simply and honestly.
Be matter-of-fact and truthful in language that’s appropriate for their age. Avoid over-explaining, but be open to their curiosity. Let them guide the conversation with their questions.
Prepare them for what to expect.
If there’s a funeral or memorial service, explain why we have them — to honor someone’s life — and that people express many emotions during these times. Let them know they may see people crying, laughing, or being quiet, and that all of it is normal.
Talk about continued connection.
Children often want to know how they can stay connected to the person who died. Share what you believe — whether it's through memory, prayer, spirit, energy, or ritual. Let them know love doesn’t disappear, even if someone is no longer physically present.
Be honest about suffering or pain.
If the person who died had a disease or was in pain, share that truthfully but gently. There’s no need to dramatize it, but also no need to avoid it.
Answer the big questions with grounded honesty.
When kids ask, “What happens when we die?” it’s okay not to have all the answers. Share what you believe, or say honestly if you’re not sure. Avoid sugar-coating or dancing around the topic — it’s more comforting for children to feel your truthfulness than to sense you're avoiding the topic.
Support anxious or sensitive children.
Some children may become preoccupied with the idea of death or worry that others in their life will die suddenly. Rather than making unrealistic promises, reassure them that while death is part of life, it’s not something they need to worry about right now. Help them feel safe in their bodies by slowing down, breathing together, and naming who is here to support them. Remind them they are not alone.
Know that grief is a process.
This won’t be a one-time conversation. Grief often unfolds slowly, and questions may come up long after the event or funeral. Be available for ongoing dialogue.
Watch for grief in behavior.
Children may not always express grief through words. It can show up as irritability, anger, or difficulty tolerating frustration. If that happens, gently name that something big has happened, and that big feelings can feel heavy or confusing in our bodies. Encourage both conversation and physical activity to help those feelings move through.
Remember grief is personal.
Grief is personal, especially for children. The most important gift you can offer is your steady, loving presence and the space for them to feel, ask, and wonder at their own pace.
Remember: you and your family aren’t alone. If you’re navigating grief or big transitions, schedule a free consultation with a member of our team.